10 Items Every Smart Tourist Needs

There's one question that everyone asks when packing for a vacation: what do I bring?  We've compiled a list of ten things to make sure you're easily identified the next time you venture away from home

Fanny Pack

When you're walking around an amusement park, the last thing you want to be bothered with is a purse.  It's just too easily nabbed.  That's some weird human (who wanted to remain anonymous out of embarrassment) created the fanny pack.  A truly ingenious invention.  You don't want to carry a purse, so where is the most logical place to store your valuables?  Your waist, like a kangaroo- because kangaroos are just logical. If anyone tries to make a move for your wallet, you'll feel it. And you can kick them like a mad Kangaroo.

Camera

You only go on vacation once in a blue moon (and the likelihood of a vacation is inversely proportional to how many kids you have).  So take as many pictures as possible.  Thousands of them. Think quantity over quality here.  There are lots of landmarks, trees, and other vacationers to pose in front of.  Don't pass up any opportunity to capture the beauty of this once in a lifetime moment you'll never forget unless you don't take a picture of it.  Besides, you need stuff to put in your fanny pack, so get a camera

Knee High Socks

Socks are important.  They keep your feet warm and dry.  They keep your feet from getting blisters and athlete's foot.  Heck, they even make cool puppets for the kids in case it- heaven forbid! - rains on one of your vacation days.  When you combine socks with the always-true wisdom that "bigger is better", knee high socks just make sense. And they'll protect your shins while you're doing those mad kangaroo kicks.

Sunburn

This one isn't really an accessory that you can pack, but once you arrive, it's only a matter of time before you get one.  This is the badge that proves to other tourists that you really lived it up- skin be darned, I had a freakin awesome time at the beach! The best part?  It's 100% free.  (Unless you count the cost of the hotel room...and airfare...and food...and, oh never mind.)

Destination Tee Shirts

You're visiting and, by gum, you want people to know it.  Wear your destination shirt loud and proud.  Buying destination t-shirts not only puts food in the local kid's mouths, they're also handy if you have short term memory loss (which is probable since on vacation you're likely drunk, old, eating too much junk, or some combination of the three).  You never know when you'll be walking down the street wondering, "Where did these palm trees come from?" Just look down at your shirt, brush away any extra food that accumulated there, and you've got the cheapest GPS ever.

Hawaiian Shirts

Nothing says "life of the party" like floral print.  Never mind that Hawaiians never actually wear them (so where are they really from?).  Anyway, Jimmy Buffet wears them, and he's cool. Isn't he?

Margaritas

Speaking of Jimmy Buffet, no vacation is complete unless 're slurping down the liquid version of the tropics...  unless you're an alcoholic, in which case you better stick to Coke- well strike that, it's a vacation! Is it really a vacation without an alcoholic relapse?  As a side note, scientists have proven it's not possible to enjoy Jimmy Buffet unless you're drinking a margarita (although the rumor is that these scientists are alcoholics).

Luggage Carrier

Research shows that vacationers return with 315% more stuff than they take. But we're living in tight times.  You already shelled out the cash for the room and you're skipping the airfare to save a few bucks.  So don't drive your gas guzzling Jeep Fortress or Miata-intimidating Ford City Block- get a luggage rack!  Luggage racks instantly increase the storage space of a small car by 100%.  Just think, with all that room in the trunk now, you've got more room for all the stuff that you'll be bringing back (for example, your kids). 

Map

By map, I mean GPS.  Trust me. Oh wait, you've got the shirt. Never mind.

Cash

Yes, credit cards are handy, but if you're in a jam, cash is king.  When you're trying to beat down locals on the price of that hand crafted (in China) necklace that your wife can't live another day without, they won't be swayed by your fancy credit card.  Flash a crisp 20 dollar bill and that $50 necklace (made and shipped from China for $1.50) is now yours.  Your wife is happy and they still make a small $18 profit.

Follow this advice, and you haven't just taken a vacation. You're a kangaroo-like, alcoholic, crab-colored, deal-making, expert who always knows exactly where they're at. And where are you going? To Funtown, baby. Funtown.